Pro Players Charity Classic: “Utah” vs. “Stars”
Utah: Al Jefferson, Paul Millsap, Earl Watson, Ronnie Price, Derrick Favors, Devin Harris, CJ Miles, and Alec Burks
Stars: Enes Kanter, Jeremy Evans, Wesley Matthews, Chauncey Billups, Stephen Curry, Jimmer Fredette, Anthony Tolliver, and Corey Maggette
Final: Utah 144, Stars 128
** The jerseys appear to be made out of plastic supermarket bags with holes cut in them.
** The game is being called by Travis Henson and the Deseret News’ Trent Toone. Although their announcing appeared to be awful at first, by the end it was like watching (listening) to some Utah version of “Harold and Kumar.”
** Travis and Trent say “Steven Curry,” “Ee-nis Kanter,” and “Alex Burke.” They eventually shorten “Steven” to “Steph,” but Alec Burks remains “Alex Burke” the entire game…
** …which isn’t even the worst part. They continually refer to Enes Kanter as “the big turkey.” Stop. Just stop.
** What the what? They put Earl Watson and Jeremy Evans on different teams? Madness, I say. Madness.
** Trent and Travis were on mission together. Well, that explains…well, nothing.
** Jeremy jumps ball, and wins. I think he should be doing this when the regular season starts.
The Jazz “Utah” shoots a bunch of 3s. “Stars” opens up a double-digit lead in the blink of an eye. All is as it ever was.
** “Jimmer is such a nice guy. He is just such a great person. He’s so marketable!” There’s a game going on, fellas.
** Poor Enes Kanter. Truly the unluckiest basketball player that ever lived. Five stitches on his lip and three on his chin. The game organizers won’t let him back in the game. Hasn’t he been locked out enough times in his life?
** “We can go back to talking about Utah State and Logan. I have to add onto what you were talking about…” Um, hello? Game going on?
** I have NOT missed long, dragged out, time-inefficient halftimes.
** Now Trent and Travis are having a discussion on the history of Jimmer dunking and the civility of BYU people. “BYU people are so nice. How can anyone not like BYU?”
** The tweet below just tickled my funny bone in all of the right places. The game has been over for hours, but it’s still making me laugh.
** As I said, Trent and Travis only got more entertaining as the game went on. I’m sorry I didn’t have a drink or two to propel them into the next stratosphere of funny.
** “What is it going to take for the lockout to end?” “One of the sides is going to have to give in.”
** Ding ding ding we have a winner! Unintentional Dirty Quote Machine of the Night (either Travis or Trent): “The fans are yelling for Jimmer to put it up. He does, and it’s short.”
** More UDQM from T&T: “Kanter got eight in–, uh, stitches.” I swear this happened.
** Trent: “Travis, do you do any impressions?” Travis launches into Charles Barkley impression.
** I think I’m having an epiphany. Is this what fans of other teams feel like when they’re listening to Boler and Matty?
** The final seconds/minute of the game is like the All-Star Weekend Dunk Contest. By that, I mean the part of the contest where the dunkers try to do dunks they can’t do before they finally complete a vanilla dunk that fails to impress the judges.
** Trent, you do not disappoint. Ends the night with one final UDQM: “Our best to Mrs. Hansen for letting you come.”
Al Jefferson: Looked good out there. It shows that he’s spent his entire summer working out at P3.
Paul Millsap: Brought back pleasant memories of November in Miami with his 3-point range.
Earl Watson: The game never feels out of control when the ball’s in his hands.
Ronnie Price: Ronnie Price does not believe in gravity. His hops are out of this world. (See what I did there?)
Derrick Favors: We ain’t seen this much beastliness since Karl Malone had [some] hair.
Devin Harris: Good of him to make the trip and play in the game. Wore an Adidas T-shirt during warmups. (Sorry, didn’t notice him much.)
CJ Miles: Congrats to the game organizers for getting CJ to play a game at Salt Lake Community College–something the Jazz coaches were never able to do in all the years of the Rocky Mountain Revue.
Alec Burks: 12-13 shooting. Good look.
Jeremy Evans: Had to see him to believe him.
Enes Kanter: Thanks to Favors’ elbow, fans were left desperately wanting more.