Carlos Boozer’s Whoring* Diary, Cont.
In the wake of his interviews in Chicago and Miami, Carlos decided it was time to broadcast his desperation desires to the entire world.
In CHINA, FB told the Guangdong Gazette:
To be honest, I’ve never liked sitting down to take a dump, which is why, obviously, I feel that a country full of squat toilets would be ideal for me and my family. There are so many reasons why I would love to play in China. I’ve always felt that communism was the best way to run a country. Also, coming from Alaska, I’ve never had the opportunity to experience pollution firsthand. Yo, Guangdong Southern Tigers, I hear y’all looking for a PF to replace Yi. Holla baby! Also, I saw a lot of hot women while I was in Beijing for the Olympics and obviously since my wife and I mutually agreed to divorce, I’m technically kind of single, which is good enough for me.
At DUKE, FB told the Duke Daily:
I am committed to going back to school and finishing my degree. I still have one year of eligibility left, and I would love to play for Coach K again. Even though the Olympics didn’t really work out, he and I are very, very close. Duke is my number one choice. North Carolina was my second home, and it’s where I met my wife. I think that I can, obviously, bring leadership to the team as a veteran presence, and I would love to bring the championship title back to Duke.
In GERMANY, FB told Germany Today:
The Jazz and I mutually agreed to go in different directions, so here I am. I was born here and it’s obviously my first home. Lots of Germans and I became very, very close back in the day. I’ve always been an admirer of the country that produced such tough, rugged NBA players, obviously players like Dirk. I would love to play in Europe, and Germany especially, and return to my roots. I feel that Germany and I are the perfect fit because I am a huge David Hasselhoff fan. Oh and by the way, everyone sign up for my basketball camp in Miami! Parents, feel free to drop off your kids on the day of if you happen to be in the neighborhood!
Back STATESIDE to start more rumors, FB told the White House Media Affairs Office:
Barry O’s personal aide, Reggie Love, is a very good friend of mine. He recently told me that they are looking for players for the White House Rec League, and since the Jazz and I mutually agreed to part ways, I immediately knew that this situation would be very beneficial to me and my family. As an Olympian, obviously, I have a great grasp on foreign affairs and I will encourage Barry to assert himself more as a leader because the president is like the quarterback of our nation. At the same time, obviously, I look forward to asserting myself as a leader in the league.
Back to his world tour, FB heads to ISRAEL and tells the Israeli Post:
I am very, very close with both Dee Brown and Carlos Arroyo, who are two of the most athletic guards I have ever had the pleasure of playing with. By the way, I am also, obviously, really good friends with DWade. Anyway, Maccabi Tel Aviv would really just be the perfect situation for me and my family and it’s my number one choice. At the same time, as an American and a leader of the free world, not to mention a two-time Olympian along with DWade, I look forward to asserting my leadership in the Gaza Strip, as I would, obviously, add a lot to the region.
To close out his first World Tour, FB spoke with CNN:
I have always wanted to see outer space and I would love to play on Mars for the Martian League. I love the laid-back attitude and quality of life on Mars and the sun there is so much better than the sun in Miami. It would be an educational experience for me and my family, and the absence of taxation on the planet makes Mars very attractive to me. I am very excited to begin the next chapter of my life after, obviously, the Jazz and I mutually agreed for me to be traded.
*Apologies to whores for the comparison to Carlos Boozer.